I've come so far in my life. I've gone through changes. I've grown into a mature women. I know I am going to be a wonderful teacher, and I finally know where I am going in my life. My success has been because of me. I've finally guided myself onto the right path. I can finally say I'm proud of myself.

I wish I could say the same about my relationship. It's been seven years of ups and downs. I guess that is what love is about....loving someone for the good and the bad. What happens if the bad is becoming more of a constant thing. I'm tired of the same ol' stuff, and every time I say this I just get down on myself. I never do anything about it. I know I could be without Kyle. I did it before, but honestly I don't think I would ever be the one to break it off. Sometimes I want to scream at him so bad, and just tell him I'm sick of everything. Sick of being treated like a idiot. I'm sick of being treated like I mean nothing. I do everything for him and I get nothing back in return.

I try so hard to put the pieces together, and make our lives work as one. I think his mom is right we are just too different. I can't do the same stuff over and over again. I get bored. I need to move on. But I just can't....every time we have a good moment it changes my mind completely. That's how it always has been, we fight, we make up, were good for a while, we fight again and then it's bad for a while, but it always gets better.

I love Kyle, but does he love me as much as I love him? I want to believe that he does...but I don't think he is ready for such a serious commitment. Either am I....but my feelings for him are no joke. I wish he would just grow up sometimes.

It's been nine days since my last entry.....only nine days. Why does it feel like a month has gone by?

It's thundering, how I missed falling asleep to thunderstorms. This winter has been long, and depressing. I'm finding it difficult to fall asleep again at night. Kyle keeps saying he isn't happy, maybe we both aren't happy? Then why am I trying so hard to hold onto something which flame has burnt out?

I love him. I do, every single thing about him. I would miss him if I lost him, it would tear my heart apart to see him with someone else, but could I deal with it?

Kyle told me tonight he doesn't want to marry me, that means he sees so future for us. That means everything we are doing now is worthless, if nothing will come from it. I want to take each day one step at a time, but if there is nothing were striding for why are we working so hard to keep pace with each other.

I'm growing tired of us fighting. I feel like I could do better. Someone who appreciates me, and understands me. Someone who doesn't ignore my phone calls, and feels forced to hang out with me.

Is there really something that wrong with me? Am I that horrible of a girlfriend? I feel like all I do is ruin his life, like he rather be without me and he would be so much more happier.

He pushed me today, hard. One of these days I'm afraid he will snap and hit me.
I know that is horrible to say, but I really think from here on out....things are changing. I'm going to start showing him that he does need me, and does need to do these things to stay with me. I'm not a burden. Someone should feel proud to have me as their girlfriend, and if he can't see that well then i'm done.

I will leave him if I have to. And as the back of my head says "No, Katie you couldn't" I'm going to prove you all wrong.

Made my journal private again....not that anyone really reads it. But incase someone I don't want reading this stumbles upon it.

AHHH! Finally the weekend is here, and I have a full weekend of relaxation and drunk festivities! I have been waiting an entirety for the weekend to finally appear. I can not wait to go to my friends Keg tonight, and spend the entire weekend with my lover. Ah <3 Kyle has been so nice to me lately; he has been texting me more randomly saying cute things like good morning beautiful and such. It really makes my day.

Lastnight we ate a delcious pizza he made with white sauce. It was yummy! One of the best pizza's I've ever had, and it didn't even have any meat on it. Then Kyle and I just cuddled the remainder of the evening, and watched Grand Trino. Even though I say I hate it when he plays with my hair constantly, I can't help but smile because he would do it the whole night if  he chose to. He always pauses the movies just to kiss me. :) awh I love it. I feel like everyday I'm falling in love with him all over again. I love it when we are great with eachother, but hate it when we fight. Who doesn't though. I just want to continue this peaceful, romantic streak of happiness. I don't want it to end, because when I'm with him I feel complete.

Lastnight, I had a dream about Kyle and I getting married....and come to think of it. If he asked me, even though we are young, I would say yes. I would spend the rest of my life with him. Even though he is completely OCD, and probably would yell at me for leaving clothes all over the floor in our room. It would be worth it. To wake up to his smile, and warm body every morning. He is the best cuddle buddy ever, and the best cook, and so organized. I love that about him I truely do, because sometimes my life can be so chaotic it would be nice to have one person who is able to deal with my shit.

I'm still worried about school. My mom brought the money situation up to my father today, and he saw my most recent check from naughty dog, and apparently i've made almost 2,000 dollars working there. Although I have no money to show for it. I really need to stop spending so much money, I seriously have a problem. I took those shoes back I just bought though, and immediately went to the bank and depoisted the money. My account is finally looking decent, and although I probably could attempt to maybe pay for my school....I would be broke in the end. I wouldn't be able to go anywhere, and spend any money. I hate being in situations like that, so hopefully something works out for me. I can never seem to get anything right, and once I feel like I have everything worked out....I don't. All I have to do is get through this semester, and get my financial aid back and then everything will finally be under control.

I really want to go somewhere for spring break next year, and it's horrible of me to even think of taking out an extra loan just to be able to go somewhere. But....u know me and my terrible spending habits. Kyle critizied me about it lastnight. Told me that's why I have bad credit, and he doesn't. Because I take out money I don't have. It's true.

I really don't care how crappy I am writing, I haven't even re-read any of this....so I'm sure it's horribly written. I am feeling fat again. I just can't seem to find a comfortable weight. I wish I was little. I'm tired of trying on shorts that don't fit because of my hips, and shirts that are too tight because of my boobs. I want little everything.

Anyways, work is work. I enjoy it. At times I don't. I really think Luke is starting to get the wrong impression. I enjoy hanging out with him, don't get me wrong. I would love for us to be great friends, but it would have to be at a friend level only. I do not want to be a bad girlfriend. I have hurt Kyle too many times, and I will not hurt him again. I do think Luke and I have a lot in common, it's werid really. I can figure him out too easily because well he is like me. I enjoy our talks, and walks. It's something Kyle really doesn't do with me. But I don't want to give Luke the wrong impression. Although what he does write about me truly touches me. It's so sweet, and honest. I wish sometimes Kyle was more expressive.

Anyways, Kyle and I decided to go to Madison. I'm soooooo excited. A weekend full of sexxxxxxxxxx. Great sex. With mirrors, and a jaccuzi. So excited. Well I'm going to go eat. I decided to update more, because well I haven't been writing as much. Although my personal hand-written journal is much more personal...my online journal is full of everyday thoughts and ramblings.

-Katie Lou <3